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TEST DRIVE ∞ May 2025
Test Drive ∞ May 2025
The First Collision
The Diadem is an invite-only panfandom game set in a retro-futuristic world where uprooted souls find themselves deep within an eerie wasteland of roads and highways frequently assailed by cosmic storms. Three united strongholds keep the population. Its capital is Panorama, a large metropolis at the planet's center.
Soon, you realize you aren't alone. Calling themselves fluxdrifts, the "locals" have similar stories to you, either for themselves or their ancestry. You speak to an old woman who claims she hailed from another star. You meet a young man who says his great-great-grandfather knew a strange language everybody spoke "back home." As you explore, you stumble across a coin you recognize or your sister's locket. How did it get here? What does this mean? That's for you to discover.
But first, you need to find a ride.
Soon, you realize you aren't alone. Calling themselves fluxdrifts, the "locals" have similar stories to you, either for themselves or their ancestry. You speak to an old woman who claims she hailed from another star. You meet a young man who says his great-great-grandfather knew a strange language everybody spoke "back home." As you explore, you stumble across a coin you recognize or your sister's locket. How did it get here? What does this mean? That's for you to discover.
But first, you need to find a ride.
No invites needed to play on the TDM. Everyone's welcome! Use the Invite Request thread below to request an invite from another player.
∞ Summary ∞
IC-wise, arrivals are scattered throughout the month. Events described on the TDM are also ongoing throughout the month. If you'd rather jump right into the action, you're free to begin in media res with your character having already been on the planet for several days.
Post-impact, characters will wake up in a med tent by the Scrapyard. From there, they must accept a vehicle on loan and make the 2-hour drive to the nearest city, Panorama. If they refuse the car because they don't want the loan, they'll be in debt for medical bills instead...so just take the car. It'll come in handy.
Some things to keep in mind when bringing in your character:
TDM threads can be canon if characters are accepted. Top-levels made to the TDM should be open to all.
Post-impact, characters will wake up in a med tent by the Scrapyard. From there, they must accept a vehicle on loan and make the 2-hour drive to the nearest city, Panorama. If they refuse the car because they don't want the loan, they'll be in debt for medical bills instead...so just take the car. It'll come in handy.
Some things to keep in mind when bringing in your character:
- Pick an injury. At minimum, they got knocked out; at most, whatever they can recover from. Medicine is decently advanced so they'll heal faster if not painlessly.
- Decide items kept. Reasonable items on their person only: photos, keys, clothes, costumes. No pets or animal companions. Wildly out-of-place tech and personal cell phones will be damaged beyond repair.
- Select a weapon. Do this only if eligible. Guidelines about weapons and powers are on the FAQ.
- Choose a vehicle. Decide whether your character gets 2-3 options or if they're stuck with something they hate. Players can pick directly from our collection or source their own images. Anything under a similar aesthetic will work. If your character needs accommodations for driving, they can have them. Ask us for details.
- Get a phone. Characters have to obtain a phone (and a SIM card) themselves. If they've got one from home, it's damaged beyond repair. Phones are cheap. It'll only take a couple of weeks to afford one. You need to know the number before you text or call anyone. Read about phones and the Forum before you hop on it.
TDM threads can be canon if characters are accepted. Top-levels made to the TDM should be open to all.
Fluxdrift
Arrival & Introduction
Date: Throughout May
You've tumbled over a cliff. You were fighting for your life. You're on the cusp of death. You slipped in the shower. Whatever the catalyst, you struggle to cling to consciousness. As darkness overtakes you, a swirling vortex warps light and shadow in a way that defies all physics. A dark wail etches into your very bones. You couldn't describe it if you tried. You can barely comprehend what it is.
Then you open your eyes.
Through the figure's mask ©, you swear the face is grinning down at you. The tent you're in smells of antiseptic, and scratchy blankets line your cot. Injuries you've sustained have been bandaged. In the corner, you spot a MedBot that's fixed you up. Depending on the extent of your injuries, the doctor on duty might give you some painkillers before you go. Thankfully, your belongings are by the exit. Sorry if anything's damaged. Your landing was pretty rough.
You follow the figure outside. They are Yom Crook, here to lend a hand to fellow fluxdrifts like yourself. Their car's parked beside them. Actually, there are lots of cars around, but Yom Crook's stands out with its painted shark mouth. They explain they found you, unconscious, in a diffusion zone and brought you here. The nearest city is a 2-hour drive northeast. Forget about walking. You'll never make it. Also, you owe the doctor a lot of money for patching you up. But you're in luck: they've got some wheels for you and if you accept the vehicle on loan, Yom Crook will cover your medical bills. That's a good deal, right? It's not the shiniest car or motorcycle, but it'll do. If fortune favors, you'll get to choose between two or three options. Plus, if you need accommodations to drive—like adjustments to your seat height or modified controls—you'll receive all that for free.
Take the vehicle. (And the loan.) Yom Crook assures you that you'll have six months before collectors come around. Any time you're ready to pay a part of it down, return here to the Scrapyard. You'll get a receipt and everything. Paying off the loan in six months isn't impossible, but it will take a lot of work. Just don't get too lax. There's a good chance you'll be juggling multiple loans as you try to get by.
You either know how to drive, or you'll have a bare-bones manual to get you started. Road rules are more a suggestion than enforced, so just hit the pedal and go. The car has some basic features. The built-in compass will help you navigate.
Through the figure's mask ©, you swear the face is grinning down at you. The tent you're in smells of antiseptic, and scratchy blankets line your cot. Injuries you've sustained have been bandaged. In the corner, you spot a MedBot that's fixed you up. Depending on the extent of your injuries, the doctor on duty might give you some painkillers before you go. Thankfully, your belongings are by the exit. Sorry if anything's damaged. Your landing was pretty rough.
You follow the figure outside. They are Yom Crook, here to lend a hand to fellow fluxdrifts like yourself. Their car's parked beside them. Actually, there are lots of cars around, but Yom Crook's stands out with its painted shark mouth. They explain they found you, unconscious, in a diffusion zone and brought you here. The nearest city is a 2-hour drive northeast. Forget about walking. You'll never make it. Also, you owe the doctor a lot of money for patching you up. But you're in luck: they've got some wheels for you and if you accept the vehicle on loan, Yom Crook will cover your medical bills. That's a good deal, right? It's not the shiniest car or motorcycle, but it'll do. If fortune favors, you'll get to choose between two or three options. Plus, if you need accommodations to drive—like adjustments to your seat height or modified controls—you'll receive all that for free.
Take the vehicle. (And the loan.) Yom Crook assures you that you'll have six months before collectors come around. Any time you're ready to pay a part of it down, return here to the Scrapyard. You'll get a receipt and everything. Paying off the loan in six months isn't impossible, but it will take a lot of work. Just don't get too lax. There's a good chance you'll be juggling multiple loans as you try to get by.
You either know how to drive, or you'll have a bare-bones manual to get you started. Road rules are more a suggestion than enforced, so just hit the pedal and go. The car has some basic features. The built-in compass will help you navigate.
OPTIONAL PROMPTS: a flat tire; a body on the road (is it a trap?); a fender bender
Panorama
Explore & Settle In
Conditions: Warm spring temperatures, light showers
After 2 hours on the road, you find civilization. The largest of the strongholds, Panorama is where the economy thrives. Massive power plants glowing red make it visible from a distance. The city is divided into three districts. For now, you can access the Pavilion and the Blocks. Don't worry about the Sanctum; they're not letting you in.
You only need to know two things about Panorama: 1) it's big, the size of a modern metropolis, and you'll need your car to get around; 2) anything goes as long as you don't pick a fight with the wrong person. Street smarts will get you far. Despite its geographical size, the population isn't huge. With roughly a million people in a city designed for over twice that number, Panorama is far from deserted, but nor is it overcrowded. It's a good thing. Resources are limited as it is.
You only need to know two things about Panorama: 1) it's big, the size of a modern metropolis, and you'll need your car to get around; 2) anything goes as long as you don't pick a fight with the wrong person. Street smarts will get you far. Despite its geographical size, the population isn't huge. With roughly a million people in a city designed for over twice that number, Panorama is far from deserted, but nor is it overcrowded. It's a good thing. Resources are limited as it is.
The Pavilion: Free Samples
Like any large city, Panorama features a couple of supermarkets. The stock's not as consistent as a proper supermarket. On occasion, shelves can remain cleaned out for a week or two. Regardless, the long tradition of free samples remains. If you're not already shopping, you'll notice the crowded parking lot and clusters of lines inside.
Try samples, push through the crowds as you shop, or give yourself a five-finger discount. If you're cautious, you can pocket a few small items without consequences. The Pavillion doesn't have the infrastructure for surveillance; unless someone sees you, you won't be caught. Steal from the store or pilfer someone's wallet. Maybe you even make a new friend if you bump into another fluxdrift. Or, start a fight with somebody who cut you off in the cheese line. Don't make too much of a ruckus, or you'll be thrown out.
As you look around, you'll see posters advertising temporary positions for the cash register or graveyard shifts in the warehouse. Seems they might've lost several employees recently (how'd that happen?), which is good for you! It's just a 6-week position, but it'll get you on your feet. The city has temporary positions like this all over. Permanent ones are harder to come by when you're new.
Try samples, push through the crowds as you shop, or give yourself a five-finger discount. If you're cautious, you can pocket a few small items without consequences. The Pavillion doesn't have the infrastructure for surveillance; unless someone sees you, you won't be caught. Steal from the store or pilfer someone's wallet. Maybe you even make a new friend if you bump into another fluxdrift. Or, start a fight with somebody who cut you off in the cheese line. Don't make too much of a ruckus, or you'll be thrown out.
As you look around, you'll see posters advertising temporary positions for the cash register or graveyard shifts in the warehouse. Seems they might've lost several employees recently (how'd that happen?), which is good for you! It's just a 6-week position, but it'll get you on your feet. The city has temporary positions like this all over. Permanent ones are harder to come by when you're new.
Samples include: steamed cabbage dumplings, synthetic cherry juice, cheddar cheese, and chocolate-covered alien eggs (it's crunchy and weirdly tasty). They're served in the usual throwaway paper cups with little toothpicks.
The Blocks: Power Outage
Power's finicky in Panorama, especially in the Blocks. Saint Margery's Hospital, located in the same area, has priority for power so the first to go are the motels. Maybe you've been in your room for a couple of weeks, maybe you just got here—and by the way, every motel desk is happy to put the fee on your tab if you don't have the money upfront—but all the motels on the east side are in a blackout, leaving only the west side motels up and running.
What do you do? You have three choices:
What do you do? You have three choices:
- Risk leaving your room and head to the other side where there's power. Knock on some doors and negotiate with another to share the room. They might shut the door in your face, ask for a favor in return, or be nice enough to help you with no strings attached. There's no guarantee your unattended room will be untouched, though, and you'll be on the hook for any damages an intruder causes.
- Sit in the dark and deal. It's not the worst idea, but the TV's down, the vending machines are powered down, and with the entire place plunged into darkness, you risk getting robbed. If you struggle with defending yourself, you might want to find some trustworthy company. You can also sneak out of there and let them take your leftover pizza. It's not like you've got a ton of valuables, right? Plus, clobbering someone in the face with a frying pan sounds great until you realize you've gotta do something with the body. And what if this person's got a friend waiting?
- Get in your car and drive (or grab a friend for a road trip). If you scroll the Forum, you might notice reports on diffusion zones southward. Besides, these motels are hardly your forever home. The city can only provide so much. Why not go for a ride and see what you can find out there?
OPTIONAL PROMPTS: clean up on aisle 3 (what is that goo?); a knock at your door but no one's there; you hear screaming or a commotion down the hall
The Fringes
Quad 3: Lockdown
Conditions: Stormy, with flooding roads
Felix Bjurstrom
> Date: 125-05-17
> Time: 02:15:57
> Emergency road lights have been reported in Quadrant 3! Please, can someone go see what's there? When last we chasers investigated emergency lights, a whole truck filled with sour candy had tipped over. Our stores were stocked for weeks! Oh, be careful - reception looks bad in that zone.
> Date: 125-05-17
> Time: 02:15:57
> Emergency road lights have been reported in Quadrant 3! Please, can someone go see what's there? When last we chasers investigated emergency lights, a whole truck filled with sour candy had tipped over. Our stores were stocked for weeks! Oh, be careful - reception looks bad in that zone.
Through the open windows, a computer awakens and displays a cheerful smile. The lights inside switch on.
Pick your scenario role below. Your thread partner doesn't need to take the opposite role! They can join you in the same scenario (i.e. trapped together). Players are also free to create a generic NPC for the other side to facilitate the thread.
After characters escape, they'll find one bottle of antibiotics in their pocket or car, whether they remember taking it or not.
After characters escape, they'll find one bottle of antibiotics in their pocket or car, whether they remember taking it or not.
A: Sealed In
As you peer through the windows, you see crates of medicine floating around. Antibiotics in the diadem are valuable. Hospitals and doctors are always buying. You can keep it for yourself or make a quick buck. Or maybe you're compelled to help somebody back in the city who's in need. Whatever the reason, you decide to take the risk and step inside.
Water splashes around your ankles. The lock buzzes behind you. If you try to break the windows, you discover they're unnaturally resistant to shattering. With the whole place locked tight, the water begins to churn. Then the computer lights up again.
Warning, it flashes in large, bold text. Quarantine in progress. Release code required for exit.
- To find the code, you'll have to search. Duck under the water, go through sopping envelopes and sticky notes or pick the locks on the filing cabinets and desk drawers. You can also try hacking the computers. Use your computer knowledge or fall back on the age-old trick of seeing who wrote down their password.
- The files, notepads, and emails start innocuous, but as you look through them, disturbing phrases jump out at you—a dark thought you've had or a cruel taunt from someone in your past. The longer you're fixed on the terrible words, the higher the water begins to rise. Only another can break you out of your trance.
- With the rising water comes fear. And the more you're afraid, the more the water also rises. You begin to see faces in the water, bobbing like balloon heads. Do you recognize them? If you move to take a closer look, they will sink back beneath the surface as if never there.
- If you manage to swallow your panic, you can eventually find a triple-laminated binder with the release code and instructions. Bad news: you need someone on the outside to punch in the 6 strange symbols in order. The instructions explain that the code panel is located at the back of the building.
B: Set Free
As you peer through the windows, you see not just the crates of medicine but someone trapped inside. They look like they might be in trouble, and from your vantage point, you notice that the water is bubbling strangely. It's definitely not normal rainwater. As you watch, the water rises unnaturally, stopping and starting. It's as if the water level is responding to an external stimulus.
- The glass is soundproof. You can't hear what the person inside is saying, so you'll have to communicate with each other another way. Try charades, typing on your phone, or whatever you think of. Eventually, you determine that they're stuck and that you need to enter some sort of code onto a pad located—according to your trapped partner—at the back of the building.
- Around the back, shadows swallow your surroundings. The panel must be pried open, but a slippery substance makes it hard to get a good grip. Each time the substance touches you, you grow uneasy. You swear you see eyes watching you, though when you turn around, nothing's there.
- You can't seem to keep the instructions in your mind. And those symbols...they burn into your retinas. Through them, you glimpse an incomprehensibly massive figure unfurling in the darkness, pulsing as if in a deep sleep. When you snap back to reality, you realize you've injured yourself, slicing your hand on a sharp edge or a bruise you can't remember getting.
- Once you manage to release the doors, the water inside the office drains upward into the sky as though sucked out by a giant hose. The darkness spreads. Get out of there fast before the shadows drag you or your partner into the void.
Main Navigation ::: ⇅
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no subject
Nothing so dramatic, at least not yet, but it did have a familiar ring of desolation. He has not been here long, but the voices have been louder and louder by the day. Charles has never been anywhere this populated, not for an extended period of time, and he cannot sleep. The thoughts and feelings flood through him at any hour of the day, and it's led him to be exhausted and overwhelmed. He looks it when he wheels forward, hoping to find some access to food this morning as finding a job has not come easily to him. This is the first time in his life he couldn't just reach into an endless bank for his needs.
Dark hair is stringy and unkempt, his beard grown in slightly more due to not having anything to shave with, and his blue eyes are rimmed with red from exhaustion and pain. So of course the last thing he expected, the last thing he wanted, was to find himself looking at Erik.
At first, he blinks. He squints. He cannot believe his eyes. His mind has been so overwhelmed that he wonders if he's hallucinating. ]
Erik?
[ He doesn't go straight for his mind, he sits there like a fool, gaping at his former best friend. He goes straight for suspicious after that. ]
Is this your doing?
no subject
Charles looks and sounds as angry as the last time they've seen each other. What time did for Erik doesn't seem to have done the same for Charles— or perhaps this is a bridge that he has burned for good.
Perhaps it's the lack of immediate animosity that might tell Charles that it's been a little longer, for Erik; or maybe it's the beginnings of a beard he's now sporting, or the longer hair. He looks about as tired and sleep deprived as Charles, though, and as much in need of a good shower and a change of clothes, but that can definitely be blamed on this place. ]
How exactly do you imagine I'd have the ability to do all of this?
[ It's said pointedly, but tiredly, not ready for this fight that's absolutely about to happen. But he's not the one who'd be able to create an illusion this complex— it takes every last ounce of energy in him to keep that particular thought to himself.
But with Charles, no thought is really ever kept to himself, so. ]
no subject
He doesn't reach out with his mind, nor does he need to. He knows he's telling the truth. ]
I don't know.
[ It's said with some amount of frustration because he knows that he is terribly wrong, but losing the high ground of their conversation has recently become easier. The tension in his expression gentles and he sighs, looking away from him. He thought the distance between them stretched on and on, and yet there Erik is, only a few feet away. His hand tightens on the wheels of his new chair, far from the complex one that Hank designed for him back home, and he presses his lips together tightly.
Is it relief that he feels, at some semblance of familiarity? Or is that cruel, in a way, to be glad to see someone stuck in the same situation? Erik's presence has become heavy where it once was featherlight. He is wearing the same clothing that Erik may have seen him in that day in DC, he has no change of them yet. There is even still blood on the collar, for now. ]
Sorry.
[ It's painful to say but Charles hates being unfair. He's been out of practice with people, and Erik has a way of dragging reactions out of him. ]
How long have you been here?
no subject
It's enough of an interval for him to take in the clothes he's still wearing, down to the detail of the blood on the collar, and equally long enough for him to place it all. He remembers those last moments far too vividly, even now. The sharpness of Charles's parting words, cutting through the space between them. Erik can hardly blame him, really, after what he'd done.
But this doesn't make sense. It's just another thing to add to his ever growing list of questions. ]
Only a few days.
[ He doesn't answer the unexpected apology, nor does he react to the deflation of Charles's suspicion when he realises the ridiculousness of his accusation. He doesn't know how else to really voice what's on his mind right now, so he goes with— ]
I haven't seen you in months, though.
no subject
[ The hostility is back but hopefully for an understandable reason, given the context. Charles is still in some mild pain from the aftermath of that, although they did check him out at the medic. Nothing seriously injured outside of his pride and his heart, which remains aching to this moment. He was able to wash the blood off his face and there is still a mark on his head, but that's why he still has it on the fabric. It hasn't been that long at all.
He wishes Hank was here. More than that, he wishes he had the injection that would take away the constant pain in his mind, and at least then he could very comfortably stomp away from this conversation and avoid it. He could wheel away and Erik might even let him, but it lacks the drama. ]
I shouldn't be surprised though. You were willing to kill Raven, why wouldn't I be subject to the same?
[ He isn't afraid of Erik despite all that, because some part of him will always, always believe that he is safe with him. The words do not reflect the part of his heart that doesn't know how to let go. If there is a way how, he clearly hasn't found it, even in the far off future. But it explains why Charles is freshly wounded emotionally and physically. Erik tried to murder his sister in cold blood in front of him.
He may have said more but he winces, his emotional state only serving to weaken him to the voices in his head, lifting a hand to his temple. Not to look into Erik's mind, but to try and stop what he can from bleeding in. ]
no subject
I wasn't trying to kill you, Charles.
[ Well, it hadn't been his intention, but wasn't he so driven, so hellbent on his path of retaliation that he didn't even give a damn about where that stadium landed? Did he not effectively trap Charles underneath that rubble? Can he say, with absolute certainty, that a minor slip and he might have killed him?
The thought makes him almost shrink. He presses his lips into a thin line, fingers tighter on the small bag of food he's carrying, eyes anywhere but on Charles. But before he gets to say anything more, he hears that wince and his gaze goes back to him, stepping closer. ]
What's wrong?
[ What's wrong, he asks, like he's asking to be yelled at. ]
no subject
[ Again, considering he's in this wheelchair for the same reason. Charles remembers a beautiful time in his life when he thought he could never be angry at this man, that it was only bright joy and purpose between them. It's why the anger is so bitter, why it poisons his tongue and makes his heart so heavy. The contrast is painful to him too, with every weighted moment between them. He never wanted to fight.
Erik could have killed him directly if he wanted to, so no, he doesn't think he was doing anything more than getting Charles out of the way. And he didn't pull the trigger on him point blank when he was protecting Raven. But is that what their friendship has come to? Finding reasons to hold onto why Erik let him live. Foolishness. His anger is what he has. ]
What's wrong? What isn't wrong? Look at where we are.
[ In a large city with no support system for him, and no money to draw from, and he's as likely to starve here as find a job, which he's never had to have before as academia is unlikely to be an option. Half of the motel has no power. Hank isn't here, he's alone. His expression twists for a moment in evident pain and he squeezes the bridge of his nose. ]
It's so loud, Erik. There are too many people.
[ Erik knows by now that Charles suffers in his small area, mostly unpopulated, that he doesn't go into cities, that London was only sufferable because it was spread out enough, and his part of it was quiet. ]
no subject
But it's also not what he meant when he asked that. Charles knows it, evidently, as he immediately after answers the question Erik's actually asking. It is, in a sense, a comfort to know that it's only his powers overwhelming him, and not something that this place has done to his head, something that was done to him in those med tents. Being paranoid about that seems only sensible. ]
Let me help you.
[ It's said in a breath, fully prepared for Charles to tell him to fuck off, or to laugh at the bitter irony of the man who's just trapped him under the rubble of a stadium to now offer to assist him in whatever way. It wasn't even that long to Erik either, but three months apart feels like another lifetime ago. All that anger, all that fear and despair that pushed him too far, had nowhere to go once he left, and gradually it's dissipated into thin air. He couldn't make any of it right, but he could stay away, that's what he figured.
Neither of them seem to have that option now. Leaving Charles to fend for himself in a place like this just isn't something Erik's willing to do, not unless he's to be rejected. ]
no subject
He's alone and in pain and completely unqualified for this situation. And he knows that Erik is far better at this, which means that for once it might be his knowledge and experience that has to be leaned on, and for someone who is in a grumpy place, that only irritates him more. But he was also honest with him, and Charles feels clobbered by the situation. Run down, heavy, damaged. It's been a difficult few years, and the days even more so.
It's why when Erik offers, he gives a huff that is almost a bitter laugh, and massages his temples. It's not a no, he just remembers telling Erik he doesn't want to be inside his head again. At the time, it was avoiding the admittance he had no powers. He expected Erik to hate that about him. But now it feels like he is holding onto spite for the sake of it and no other reason.
He has to pick his poison. ]
Come closer, I ... I'm not able to control it well.
[ If he reaches out for Erik he may push past him. Charles's power is greater than he usually lets other people know. Too great, fearfully so. ]
no subject
And down was an apt word to use, because he knew, had he gone through with it, had he succeeded, there would have been no coming back from that. And there would have never been a time when Charles would even want to look at him again, let alone speak to him, or accept his help. No matter how well-meaning.
He is, admittedly, a little surprised that Charles agrees. He must be that desperate, then, if he doesn't even want the time to think it through. Erik can't begin to imagine what it feels like. Is his own mind any better than the voices of all of those here, when so many scream so loudly in Erik's own? He doesn't know. But it must be, to some degree, if he decides that trusting him, in this moment, is the least objectionable option.
But he says none of that, and instead steps closer to Charles, with the added facilitation of kneeling down beside his chair. Can't come much closer than that, really. ]
no subject
The reason Charles did not look forward to touching Erik's mind is not because he hates it. It's because he loves it. There is nothing in there that he is afraid of or put off by, even now. His touch is gentle on Erik's temple and then he is sliding into familiar territory smoothly. He only briefly went into it before in DC in order to stop Erik, so it was not this fully embraced act. Erik's familiar mind, both the dark and light spots, sweeps around him.
The other voices retreat. He finds a focal point. He also sees that Erik is telling the truth, that it has been months for him, and that he does have some sincere regrets. Knowing that doesn't make it all fine, but it doesn't make it worse either. He sighs in relief. He can still hear it on the edge, but since he is not closer, they're shouts in the background. ]
God, Erik, if you could only see this as I do ....
[ Then what? Would he change his ways? Would they no longer have to war, if Erik saw all the bright spots in his mind, instead of wallowing in the darkness? Perhaps that is exactly what Charles means, grief hitting him that it simply isn't possible. ]
no subject
It hadn't occurred to him, until this very moment, how much of a gap Charles's absence left in him. He had been so willing to give this up, so quick to sacrifice them for the sake of a cause greater than the both of them, that he hadn't once looked back, or within, to see the space left behind.
Maybe he was aware. Of how woven into his mind Charles was, how he had so easily reached into corners so dipped into darkness that not even Erik himself was aware of what lay buried there until Charles shone a light on them. And maybe it's that awareness that has kept him from examining it too deeply, because ten years felt like a lifetime and he would have gone mad if he'd spent that entire time torturing himself over the very thing he threw away. ]
I can see you.
[ Well, see isn't the right word. What he means is that he can sense that presence, feel it like a piece of him returning home. A tad too poetic, and far too intimate a thought that he tries with all his might to keep to himself, but it's not without a single tear that rolls down his cheek, at the sheer overwhelming feeling of having this again, however briefly.
It's all the worse because he knows he doesn't deserve it, and Charles would not dare do it if he wasn't out of any other options, but that's not going to stop Erik from being a selfish man that will take every ounce he can get, for however long he can have it. ]
no subject
He forced himself into Erik's mind that first time to save his life, but the truth was, he didn't need to go as deeply as he did. It'd been a panicked moment, trying to convince him to let go, but it was more than that too. He swept through Erik's mind like a wave onto a shore, digging deep, touching every corner. The more he did it, the more he wanted to. He didn't do that with any of the others because Erik didn't tell him to stop, even after Charles let him know that he saw everything. He seemed as drawn into Charles as the other way around, until their minds colliding together was as natural as breathing the air.
The way Erik's mind was shut off to him once he took Shaw's helmet was agonizing. The abandonment was just a step further than the space already put between them. Charles would have never allowed himself this if they weren't in this situation because he knew how it would feel to be back inside.
Charles isn't only a telepath, he can feel emotions as strongly as he hears thoughts. Which means that when Erik feels that grief and pain, one of his own making, Charles cannot help but absorb it and fall into the same. The rest of the city may as well not exist now, it's only them. That's always what happens with them. Tunnel vision. Tears shimmer in blue eyes but do not fall yet. ]
You left me. You threw this away, it wasn't my choice.
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He could say that it was just the reality of the world crashing down on them, that it was never meant to be, or meant to last, but Charles is right. It was his choice. Because he believed he had a purpose, a goal that was more important than anything else, and he didn't care to consider that perhaps some things, however new, could be just as important. ]
I'm aware of that.
[ It was so easy, far too easy to smother that part of him. Once Charles was gone from his mind, so was the light, and isn't it just so easy to let things stay buried and forgotten in the dark? How quickly did he slip back into who he once was, shifted into something even worse than before? ]
And I've regretted it far more often than I care to admit.
[ He's regretted it more in the past three months than at any point in the past ten years, because he had a purpose then, a cause to fight for, and now he has nothing. And he regrets it in this instant more than ever before, when he feels Charles's presence right there again, where it always should have been, and it's one of the worst possible feelings to know that he was the one to push it out of there. ]
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[ Charles would have been angry at him like now, yes, and made it difficult, but he would have been relieved too. Especially if Raven returned with Erik, so he could have them both where they belonged. His anger only simmered and stewed because each month that passed was one where Erik kept choosing to ignore him. When he attempted to kill the President, or Charles thought that he could, all he felt was pain and regret. The danger he put mutants in by doing that was terrifying, especially given what was going to start happening soon after. It was all a mess. No good choices, no good answers.
Charles fell further and further into a dark well within himself as each loss stacked up over the next, but it began with Erik. Charles never was that naive and hopeful man again, it was fractured beyond repair. For a moment, he thought there was a repair possible, that if he could get Erik and Raven back during this mission, they could heal together.
And look how that turned out. ]
If you had just come to me about the president, we could have done it together, Erik.
[ It's not that Charles does not understand. He knows everything about Erik. All his traumas, all the reasons he thought he could only accomplish his goals alone. He just naively thought that his constant love and acceptance might have helped, that Erik could believe in him, and in them, and they could move forward together. It was foolish perhaps, and arrogant, in that way he used to be, to think he could simply wish things into being the way he wanted them. ]
Why did you lose faith in me? Had I been so wrong, to think we had that?
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We could have done it together. You could have come home.
As if he ever had a home. As if he ever even remembered what that was. Was it what he had then, with Charles, with the mansion? Was it a notion so distant for him that he couldn't even recognize it when it was right in front of him? ]
I hurt you.
[ The thought comes forth unbidden, the guilt of it touching him again for the first time in a decade. Charles had been right then; he'd been the cause of that, he'd been the reason, because his grief was everything, his anger was paramount, and his vengeance above all else. And in the process of exacting revenge over the life he had stolen from him, he had willingly given away the possibility for a new one. ]
You were right, then. We didn't want the same thing. I couldn't stay, because I'd only hurt you more.
[ But he hurt him anyway, and he hurt Raven, and every other mutant that they could have stood for, together. How immense could their progress have been if he'd stayed, if he'd made the right choices for once? If he didn't think he needed to sacrifice it all for the greater good? ]
I'm sorry. If it's too late, I just want you to know that I don't want to be that man anymore.
[ He vowed as much, when he left this time. Months ago for him, days ago for Charles. That he would find a better path, even if it meant disappearing, becoming someone else. He didn't count on seeing Charles ever again— it is perhaps a blessing that he gets to at least have this opportunity to tell him this. ]
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[ They truthfully have never been able to have this conversation. They had no real time to do it before, and they decided to attempt to play chess together in the plane before Paris, instead of talk through all the tension and pain that was between them. All those years Erik was trapped under the Pentagon and Charles did consider trying to get him, but he had no plan for it, no one who could help him. He couldn't very well send the X-Men when they were still at the mansion, it would have been too dangerous for them. He couldn't let anyone become targets for the government because he didn't like the idea of his former best friend rotting there for the rest of his life.
So he couldn't come until there was no other option. And a part of him did think he deserved it, but not for life. Charles doesn't have it in him to hate that long and hard. He isn't an expert at it the way Erik is. And it would require him to actually hate Erik to work in the first place. He never has. He's telling the truth. He could survive the bullet to the spine, it was losing them that truly broke him.
Charles shakes his head, regretful. It's not too late, precisely, but it is also not to be trusted. He can read Erik's mind and he knows that he's telling him the truth, like this he couldn't lie even if he wanted to, but that doesn't matter ultimately. It comes down to this.]
Then tell me this, when exactly did you decide to murder Raven? Was it on the plane, when we were playing chess, when I thought we could reconcile? Or was it in the moment, with us begging you not to?
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They could have talked. But he would not have budged, and he would not have apologised, even with all the regret in him. Because he still had a goal, then. There was still revenge, only it was aimed at different men. There was always someone else for him to turn his rage towards, wasn't there? ]
I don't know.
[ But the memories pile on in his mind, flashing before him, before them both. Mutants captured in front of him, tortured and murdered for their project. When he saw Raven on that table, shaking as she was tased, that was all he saw. Every mutant laid out on a medical table, cut open, taken apart piece by piece. Every single person dragged into the camps, decades ago. He didn't even see Charles, then. All he saw was history repeating itself, again and again and again, and the reckless impulse that took him when he believed that he could fix it all by simply sacrificing one.
The ends justify the means, he would have said then. And he would have believed it, too— and he would have been wrong. ]
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But they couldn't have this then either, because of his choice to block his powers for his own sanity. If Charles could look into his mind like this, if they had been able to reconnect like they are now with total honesty, the pendulum might have shifted again toward reconciliation. Many reasons on top of reasons for why it never seems to be the right time for them, how each leap between them becomes larger.
Charles can see how it triggered Erik, but he leans closer, looking deeply into Erik's eyes as well as his mind. ]
If I knew you could harm her, I never would have let her leave. I thought no matter what our differences, you would protect her. How could you do that to someone who loved you? And how can I trust you won't do it again?
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[ She may have followed Erik then, but it was bigger than that, bigger than him. She wanted more than a sheltered life, she wanted to live freely, and at that moment she didn't think that was possible if she stayed with Charles. That's the way he saw it, in any case. Some part of him wishes Charles had stopped her, though. Maybe he could have convinced her to stay, or at least not go with Erik.
Would it have made a difference? Would Trask not still hunt them down, and would she not still be pushed to the extreme of thinking that killing Trask would stop it all? And in the end, would Erik still not think the ultimate solution would be to kill her before she did that?
He doesn't know. He needs to stop living on what ifs. He's made the mistake, he's only glad that he was stopped before he succeeded. He doesn't want to know what kind of man he would have become if he had, or what kind of future he would have created then. ]
I don't know how to answer that. I don't know how to make you trust me again.
[ He doesn't make an effort to break the connection between them, but he looks down, and the next words are spoken out loud instead. ]
Maybe you shouldn't.
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[ Charles was bleeding on the sand and injured in a way that would never be curable. He could have asked her to stay with him and Raven likely would have given the state of him. It was Charles's acceptance of her wish to go and him reassuring her that led there. Raven would have resented it and him once he got better, and he might have encouraged her later, but by then she might have stayed too. He'll never know. He wanted her to choose him, in the end, and it hurt that she didn't.
They were going down different paths, all of them, but it was the heat of the moment that made it so terrible. Still, Charles was upset about Erik turning the weapons on the humans, but not surprised. Not angry or confused. The reasoning was there, and he could not allow it to happen, but it made sense. It's not that Erik is illogical in his actions, but he is extreme. And extremity can only lead to greater chaos. ]
I wish I could, my friend. I truly do.
[ That's the tragedy of this. They care for one another but they are also at an impasse. Erik says he regrets it all now, but he might change his mind if something threatens them again. Erik is still his friend. Nothing can change that he is. What is a little stadium attack against this feeling within their hearts? Understanding him only makes this sadder.
The sound of Erik's voice out loud is such a strange moment, the intimacy of their inner voices broken by something real. Back to the world they go, and Erik did help him. A focus is what Charles needed, and while it will come back, for now he can break their connection without immediately being flooded. Erik's presence is still there, blocking out the rest. ]
It isn't something that can happen in ten minutes, Erik. But fifty years from where we were, we were a team again.
[ What Charles is saying is it isn't impossible for them to find this again. But he isn't ready to let it be forgive and forget now. Trust once broken takes time to restructure. And Erik is not the only one who made mistakes, Charles is still coming to terms with his own errors. ]
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He just hopes it won't only push them even further apart.
The link doesn't break entirely. It's not quite so close anymore, not as intense, but he can feel how it lingers, Charles's presence in his mind. Maybe it's only an imprint that takes a while to wash away, and maybe in a few minutes, or a few hours, it'll be gone again. ]
I know.
[ He expected no less. The fact that there's even a sliver of possibility is in itself a miracle. Erik was fully prepared to never see Charles again, and even if he did, he certainly didn't count on him ever regarding him the same, as an old friend. Some things, when broken, cannot be mended.
He breathes deep, gathering his thoughts, piecing his composure together again. That felt like the first time Charles truly reached into the depths of his mind, and it's left him feeling equally raw. ]
I've missed you, regardless.
[ He's not talking about the physical presence of him. He means Charles's mind in his own, the comfort of hearing it, feeling it there. It is the strangest thing, when he loathes anyone else in his mind. ]
If you need help again, you'll let me know?
[ About this or anything else, really. He won't encroach on Charles's space, but he knows he'll struggle and Erik can help with at least some things. ]
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I missed you too.
[ He says instead, feeling a lump in his throat, making it painful to swallow. Erik did make the gesture first by saying it, and he is not so cruel as to ignore it solely to make it sting for him. This is the truth. There were times he wished so deeply for Erik to return. There has never been a time when Charles truly hoped not to see him again.
The thought that Erik would leave him again now makes his stomach turn. For a moment, that good energy turns into shadows instead, showing how easily it is for them to pivot in the wrong way. Charles doesn't want him to go but a bitter voice in him says he wants to, he always wants to. They could go around and around if left that way. He takes in a deep breath and lets it out. ]
I don't need help but if you would like to accompany me to the market, they are offering samples that I could use. I was given an accessible van.
[ Charles does not have money yet to buy his own food, something he has no intention of bringing to his attention, but he still does need to go there. And Erik's presence will make the voices less prominent. Or maybe he is offering an olive branch and it is up to Erik to decide if he will take it or leave again. ]
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He also didn't quite mean that to sound as parting words— more of an open offer, and leaving it up to Charles to decide whether he wants him to stick around for a little longer, or part ways for the time being.
So when that invitation comes, Erik is quick to nod. He gets to his feet, reaching into his pocket to check how much he still has on him, after tonight's shift. ]
I still have some money left, if you need anything beyond the samples. It's not much but it should be enough to cover a few basics.
[ Because he knows Charles won't have any money on him, and he's sure that he hasn't gotten a job either. Doesn't know if he'll be able to, even if he decides to look for one. But Erik can manage that much.
He's also not above the occasional shoplifting if necessary, but let's save that option for when there's no alternative. ]
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[ The response is stubborn, naturally. Charles does not have money and he is going to struggle finding a job, although he assumes eventually he can. Just not one that he will enjoy, but this doesn't appear to be the sort of city with prestigious academies or universities. It is foolish, considering that Charles has welcomed so many people into his home including Erik, providing food and shelter and anything else they needs with his natural generosity of spirit. And then the moment someone else offers the same, he gets prideful about it.
He turns the chair and leads them into the parking lot where his van is. The decoration of it might amuse Erik and it suited the light-hearted man Charles used to be. He would have found it very charming before, although he always did like his classic cars that they used to drive around the country looking for mutants.
He gestures for Erik to get into the passenger side and does not want his help in getting in; it would be easier for Erik to drive but he's being intentional. He wants to prove that he's not helpless. There is a ramp after all and the van is designed for him to comfortably be able to put the wheelchair in there and get into the driver's seat, albeit slightly cramped with Erik there too, but he manages, is the point. ]
Not our car for our trip, unfortunately. [ Charles smiles faintly at him. ] I think the motel is nearly as bad as that one we stayed in rural Pennsylvania.
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We can wrap here or on yours!
wrapped ♥